1 Nephi 8 - The Tree of Life

8:2 - Lehi has a dream, or in other words, he says, "I have seen a vision." This makes me wonder, I have dreams all the time, but I don't think any of them have been visions. Well maybe a couple now that I think about it, but how do you know the difference?
8:7 - Lehi and his guide walk through a "dark and dreary waste," which is an interesting analogy for this life I think. If compared to the horrors endured during this life, or the craziness that is seen I can certainly understand it as a terrible, depressing place. It can also be seen as the state of the natural man as it is without guidance. By nature most people are sad, lonely, greedy, etc. This creates a place within one's self that is empty and hallow. If just initially dumped here without any teachings, most people naturally will feel as though they are in a dark and dreary place. Because the ways that the natural man tries to fill the void is useless and will never make one happy. But I guess we could look at it spiritually as well, not just as the physical world or the natural ways that people try to become happy. It doesn't matter which worldly successes one has, money, beauty, fame, family, children, etc. there is always a hole in the soul that nothing can fill, except Jesus Christ. This is why millionaires commit suicide. This is why mothers and movie starts become drug addicts, why teenagers get pregnant, all in search of filling the void. This isn't something that happens to people because they weren't loved enough as a child or because they were in a car accident, we are all born with the light of Christ, and I believe that we are all also born with the deep emotional/spiritual need to have Him as our center, and if for some reason He is not, through misbehaving or not having the knowledge, we are left with a gaping wound in our soul that we will do anything to fix it.
8:8 - If I were having a dream where I was walking and tired, I hope that I would think to pray about it. Tender mercies, this is an interesting concept for me that I'm learning about more and more. See the Tender Mercies posts later.
8:9 - The large and spacious field. I imagine that this is a night time setting, and I've had instances where I've been standing and the edge of a dark and large field at night and it can be very daunting. Peaceful and still, yet intimidating because there are endless possibilities.
8:10 - The fruit of the tree makes one happy. Now I'm sure I'm not the only one with emotional attachments to food, but this was funny to me.
8:11 - So Nephi goes to the tree and eats the fruit, and it's amazing. I guess this is another reason why the love of Christ has always been such a non issue for me, I've always "known" about it, but it's never really been alive for me. I think this is because I've always been very independent and a thinker, and that's good in many ways, but very detrimental to a relationship with the Lord for me, because "I" always knew what was best, "I" took care of myself, "I" didn't need anyone else. And even the idea now that I need Jesus, is scary to me, making me feel very vulnerable. In the story I think that I would be someone who went to the tree but didn't eat the fruit and just kind of stood there and watched everyone. I would probably say "I'm good here, thanks though." "No thanks, I'm here and that's good enough." Wow, I just had a realization, I'm totally just standing by the tree, not eating the fruit, not feeling the Lord's full love and not recognizing his blessings. I just had an "ahha" moment. 
8:12 - I guess not having eaten the fruit myself, I'm not panting to have my family try it. Well I guess that's not true. I try really hard to teach my kids the gospel, and now that I think about it, if I was there at the tree with my kids, I would be telling them "go eat the fruit, it's amazing, it will make you so happy." But I myself would just stand there watching them eat it. Why don't I allow myself to feel the love of God? Hmmm.... that's a very thought provoking question. Why am I scared to be vulnerable to God? I believe him to be a just, loving, and merciful God. I believe that he will protect me, keep my secrets, and hold and comfort me. So why am I afraid to let him do that? I am afraid, but of what? Maybe I am afraid that deep down, no matter how much good I do now, that I'll never be good enough, that I've done too many bad things to ever be one of the chosen ones again. I feel like God forgives me for the wrong that I've done, but I don't feel like I'll ever be "whole" again. Like "yes I forgive you for being bad, you're given a clean slate, but you're never really healed." That's it, I'm afraid to be open and receive God's love because I haven't been healed yet. Deep down, there's still a scared little girl crying and praying for relief that never came, at least not how I expected it. But that isn't now, nor has it ever been the case, God was always there as I cried myself to sleep, I just didn't see it. That's what this is, I feel that there is a disconnect between the deliverance I expected as a child and what is proclaimed as "God's love" in the scriptures. I will have to think and pray about this. Because I want to have the love and comfort of Jesus, but how do I get that?
8:14 - Nephi, Sam and Sariah are all standing around confused. Where should we go? What should we do? I think this is interesting as it pertains to the natural state of all people. The way that this verse reads to me is that they were there actively looking for a place to go. This would mean to me that, most people, as long as they aren't ridiculously hard hearted, get to a place in life where the usual answers and things are not fulfilling. There is a natural yearning to be made whole and most people probably don't know where to find that and that would be very hard to live through. Desiring to fill the void, but not knowing where to go or how to do that.
8:18 - L&L wouldn't come eat the fruit, how shocking. It's interesting especially now that I've had my ow little revelation that I'm not eating the fruit either, but the big difference here is I'm standing by the tree. Logically and spiritually I recognize that getting to the tree is the only true way to happiness, but once I get there, I'm hesitant to either make the commitment, or get too emotionally involved. I'm not sure which. But L&L don't even want to come to the tree. 
8:19 - This is where Nephi first sees the Iron Rod. One point that jumped out at me while reading this part was, the moral of the story is "Hold to the Rod" but Nephi got there, no wading through darkness, not holding to the rod or walking the strait and narrow path. Does that mean anything? Is that a significant subplot to the story, or is it just the way that the story was told for easier understanding?
8:20 - The Institute manual asks the question "Are we holding fast to the rod of iron?" Elder David A. Bednar suggests that by reading, studying, and searching the scriptures are a big way in which we can hold to the rod. Honestly, I guess that makes sense, especially when we consider what the scriptures mean. When I was younger, I would think "oh no!!! The scriptures are SO boring!" And I guess even still, it can feel that way sometimes. To be honest, tonight when I finally got a chance to write about my readings, I thought "I'm really tired, I don't feel like it tonight, maybe tomorrow night." Then I thought, "no you are doing this right now!" And so here I am. In ultrasound, when assessing if a baby in the womb is in distress we do what's called a Biophysical Profile. There are 5 areas that a baby can score points in, depending on how much the baby is moving, etc. One of the areas if fetal breathing. If a baby is in distress the very first activity to go is fetal breathing. Reading the scriptures is kind of the same way, in that when faltering even a little bit, no necessarily in belief, but maybe just becoming complacent, one of the very first activities to go to the wayside is reading the scriptures. I would say that and prayer. I guess it can be likened to a bodybuilder. If a bodybuilder is becoming apathetic to their fitness goals, the first activity to go is working out and eating right. It doesn't take long before giving up those activities can destroy years of hard work and stellar results. And I guess reading the scriptures and praying are the same way. If someone is becoming apathetic spiritually, the first things they stop doing is reading the scriptures and praying. And it doesn't take long before the lack of those activities can lead to destruction, spiritually. Very interesting, I just learned that. That's why it is said that personal prayer and scripture study is so very vital to the soul and eternal progression. These are very simple tasks, and sometimes we are like Naaman who want big grand assignments in order to grow. But really, truly, it is through praying and reading the scriptures that great testimonies are built, questions are answered, revelation received. There are of course varying degrees of the quality of studying and praying, but at this point, I would say we are on a go/no-go basis. 
8:23 - Even though it doesn't really indicate this, I always thought that this story portrayed holding to the rod as a sort of haphazard thing. I always imagined people who couldn't see anything trying to hold onto this damp metal handhold thing. You know like those handholds next to stairwells outside at the park and at schools and stuff. They are painted and when they are moist with the morning dew they are very slippery. I had always imagined the iron rod being like that. People can't see and they are trying desperately to hold onto this almost impossible handhold that is all slippery. But after reading it this time, I can see that that's not the case at all. I always imagined that it would be very easy to just slip off the rod and then like little demons or something, the mist would just drag you away and you'd be lost. I guess that totally fed into my whole "I'm the victim, I was trying to be good, and it didn't work" attitude I had when I was inactive. But in reality, the Iron Rod is more like covered in sand paper, very rough so that once you're attached, it's simple to hold onto and keep moving forward. Before I saw it as, "well if you're lucky you won't hit a wet patch, slip off and be lost forever." Now I see it as a more intentional "the only way off the rod is choosing to let go and walk away." And it makes a lot more sense to me that way. 
8:25 - I was inactive for many years, and have made many very poor choices. Now that I'm on this end of it, I think one of the absolutely MOST tragic things in this life is when someone leaves the church, especially if it is because of peer or family pressure. Maybe that's not what the story means when it says that those who had tasted of the fruit were ashamed and left because of the scorning of those in the great and spacious building. We all have our struggles, I don't dispute that at all, and I think that some of the trials that people are asked to endure in this life are heart wrenching, and I recognize that a lot of the reasons that people leave the church are deep and painful. But I can imagine Jesus standing at the tree begging them not to go and the sorrow that he feels when they do. 
8:27 - On a psychological level, people laugh and mock others because of their own deep seeded insecurities, and logically it doesn't make sense to me that someone who feels terrible about themselves enough to tear other people down is going make me feel any better about myself if I follow them. Clearly, "hey you're making fun of me because you are insecure, and so I'm going to leave what I have and come try to please you and make you like me." That what this part of the story means to me and that makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever, that is crazy talk. Something I try to teach my kids is if someone is mean to you do you think they are happy or sad inside? Sad, so should we be mad or feel bad for them? Feel bad for them. Should we be nice to them? Yes. Do we have to play with them and let them be mean to us again? No. 
8:31 - A talk given by Edler Glenn L. Pace has a part that I absolutely love, it says "To those of you who are inching your way closer and closer to that great and spacious building, let me make it completely clean that the people in that building have absolutely nothing to offer except instant, short-term gratification inescapably connected to long-term sorrow and suffering." As a former tenant in the great and spacious building, let me assure you that this is totally 100% true. There is nothing waiting in that place except heartache and misery. I know, I've been there, I was there for a long time, and I'm STILL recovering from my consequences. "The commandments you observe were not given by a dispassionate God to prevent you from having fun, but by a loving Father in Heaven who wants you to be happy while you are living on this earth as well as in the hereafter." This is an amazing commentary and the true nature of God. This isn't about "fun" or "experiences," it's about rules that keep us safe, that allow us to grow spiritually so that we can have joy and happiness and peace. Elder Neal A. Maxwell described the building as "a stale and cramped third-class hotel." And from experience, I can tell you that this is an accurate description. It's like going to Vegas, checking into a super expensive hotel, going out all night with the bright lights, and people cheering, swimming all day, having a great time. Until it gets old, or someone hurts you, then there is no thing or person there for comfort, love. Then once you start to look deeper, you realize that your "classy" hotel has a dirty ice machine, and rent out rooms to crazy people. Then you see all the drugs and "massage" pamphlets, and you realize that there's a dirty floor all the people are walking on, but nobody notices. 
8:37 - I have heard of a book called something like "The Book of Mormon: A Parenting Guide." It seems interesting to me because I don't think of the BOM as a guide to how to raise my children, but I guess it makes sense, there are all types of parenting problems discussed at length in there. I always had the sense that Lehi was kind of this overbearing demanding man who berated and lectured L&L constantly. I don't know why, there's not really anything in this text that indicates that, but as I read more about Lehi, the more I get that he was really a kind and loving man. He was probably the best grandpa, and even towards his children, I feel that he probably raised and guided his family as a gentle giant type. Very refreshing.