My Tree of Life

When I was writing about chapter 8, Lehi's vision of the Tree of Life, I realized that one of the things holding me back spiritually was that I felt like I had never personally eaten the "fruit" or felt the no holds barred Love of God before. I was afraid of the commitment and also the disappointment of not being delivered from trials on my timeline, or for when I make mistakes that I know better. I guess deep down, I was afraid that if I was vulnerable to God, if I said "ok I trust you to take care of me," that he wouldn't or that suddenly I would be asked to endure horrid trials, suddenly with my commitment I would be plunged into chaos. But really that wasn't the case at all. As I wrote that blog post and made the self discovery, I realized that I was seriously denying myself something that would change my life. I have been thinking about that and the various experiences that I've had while writing this blog, and last night as I was driving home from work, I felt a very overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. And as I thought about all the wrong that I've done and why I did that and if I've really changed my ways, I felt the peace and love of Jesus Christ in my heart, like I'd never felt it before. I cried the whole way home, the ugly cry. I felt accepted of the Lord, I felt that he was proud of me, and that he has forgiven me. I felt that of all His marvelous creations, I am special to him, He knows me and most of all he loves me, in the same way that I love my children. And I'm grateful for that experience.