1 Nephi 19:11-25

After last night's little "break through" I sat and thought pretty much the whole way home and in my heart, truly wanted to know "why are you acting like this? Why are you rejecting the love and blessings that God is actively trying to give you because you're afraid?" And I thought deeply about my different reasons and I thought "God is a little bit more stable than my dad," and "God is perfect, he knows exactly what to do, exactly when to do it, you don't need to be afraid of him turning on you, he never will." And I realized that my dad will never be able to become the perfect man, the perfect father, so I just need to take what I get from him and accept it. I realized that I don't need to be afraid of my dad anymore either. If I trust God, no one can do anything to me that ultimately damages me eternally. And I realized that I've been so damaged by my dad, my ex husband, old boyfriends, even just random dudes and I keep looking to a man, a boss, a boyfriend, etc. for validation, to tell me that I'm good enough, that I'm worth the effort, I keep waiting to be able to be healed from the inside, I'm waiting to learn some golden nugget that will be my balm of Gilead, but there is none. If I depend on a human being to help me heal or to feel secure in this existence, it is an endless rabbit hole. My dad could become the father I've always dreamed of, and he's really working on it, which I appreciate, I could marry my prince charming, my ex husband could apologize and repent and become the father my kids so desperately want, I could have all these things and I still would not be whole because there is no one else that can give me peace, strength, comfort and healing except the Lord, any expectation I put on another human being to do that for me is going to be a doomed relationship, no matter who that is. But on the other hand, if I allow Jesus to work the miracle of healing in my heart and soul, if I commit to him and try my hardest to become like him, which I'm working on, very slowly, it doesn't matter who anyone else becomes, it doesn't matter what anyone else does to me, I will still have the peace, strength, comfort and healing that only God can give. And ever since I had that little "sit and think" in my car (my "mountain top") I've felt at peace. I've felt the whole "I am enough, I have enough, I do enough," that I constantly beat myself up about. I don't need anyone else to tell me those things, I have the Lord trying to tell me, and I just barely started listening and it is amazing. 

19:11-17 - Nephi gets into the prophesy part of the scriptures and I know that some people are going to disagree with this, but I'm going to skip over all the parts where he gets into Isaiah and Zenos, etc. I don't think I'm there yet. I'm still digesting all the nuts and bolts of the scriptures, I think I'm at a "milk before meat" place so yeah. Sorry guys.

19:18-22 - Nephi writes, studies, and teaches the scriptures so that he "might persuade them that they would remember the Lord their Redeemer." I think it's interesting that it's not just him trying to help them grow spiritually, it's not him trying to teach line upon line, it's him trying to just get them to remember the Lord. Especially that generation, most of the adults were born and raised in Jerusalem, they watched miracle after miracle take them from there to this new amazing land across the sea, they've seen angels, heard the voice of God, they've been led by a "magical" ball that only works when they are righteous and still they must be convinced that God is important. In my own life I have periods of time where I probably don't pay attention to God the way that I should. I play on my phone during church, I listen to the radio instead of conference talks, I say half hearted prayers so that I can go to sleep, I don't read the scriptures or do prayers with my kids because I forget or would rather nap for an extra 3 1/2 minutes. So even though at first I looked at Nephi's people and thought "really? How could you so easily forget the Lord?" I look at my won like and can ask the same question. On my way to work today I listened to a general conference talk that was from the priesthood session in April 2012 called "The Powers of Heaven" by Elder David A. Bednar, and in it he talks about how a non member looked at our church and said "if your church truly has the restored priesthood of God, why are so many of the men in your church no different about doing their religious duty than the men in my church?" And that is an excellent and easy relatable question for us, even me as a woman. If I have the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, if God himself runs this church, why am I so casual about it? Why don't I pay attention more? Why don't I try harder? This little insight leads me to the next topic:

19:23-24 - Nephi says he"did liken all scriptures unto us, that it might be for our profit and learning." He uses the word "our" for our profit and learning. He's the teacher, it wouldn't have been outrageous for him to say he likened the scriptures unto us, for "their" profit and learning. He's the teacher, that fits, but humbly here Nephi says he does it not only for the spiritual progression of his people but for himself as well. Another example of Nephi's humility. In the Institute manual it talks about someways that we can "liken the scriptures unto us" by asking such questions as "What can I learn about faithfulness from Nephi's obedience? What flaws or strengths would I find in my own character? Am I like Nephi's family members who murmured in the wilderness? Do I complain when things get difficult  or do I trust in God no matter what the circumstances?" And there are a lot of different questions that it talks about asking, but really, what's the purpose of reading and studying the scriptures if you don't glean knowledge and plant it in your own life. Me and the kids have been into Les Miserables lately and when we watched the movie I thought "man this would be a great story to read and dissect" because I like doing that kids of stuff, but then I thought, "how is that any different from reading and dissecting the scriptures, maybe I should spend my time doing that instead." I think so far in this blog I've been doing pretty well trying to liken the scriptures to my own life, I know that I've had many many realizations and I feel like I'm moving forward, but maybe I can make it a little bit more obvious when I "liken the scriptures" to myself.