We Rejoice in Christ
After writing last night, I thought about Nephi saying “we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ…” and I thought how I just brushed over that, mostly because I was out of time, but also because I wanted to move on, sometimes even though I’m learning so much, I get frustrated because I’m moving so slowly over the material, which I guess is the point, but the human side of me disagrees. But as soon as I hit “publish” I knew that I had done the Lord a disservice by basically ignoring a very profound message from Nephi about Jesus. I honestly thought about the phrase “we rejoice in Christ” the whole rest of the night, all the way driving home, which is about 45 minutes, as I got ready for bed and checked on the kids, and I laid in bed for probably 30 minutes looking up in my cool “LDS Citation Index” app many different talks that reference that verse. And that phrase again followed me all day today and I knew that I wasn’t moving on tonight; I needed to reflect seriously on Christ, how important my personal relationship is with him, where I stood in that relationship, and the significance of Nephi’s teachings in the last few verses of chapter 25.
Last night I was searching through my app, trying to find an article or something that might give me a little bit more clarity on what the phrase “we rejoice in Christ” means, and I looked through a few but the one that I settled on is a talk by President James E. Faust from 2001 called “The Atonement: Our Greatest Hope.” I saw in this title a reference to Star Wars, and since I have a 6 year old boy who loves Star Wars I thought that it was fitting. I don’t know much about the atonement, and I think I’ve discussed before that I used to believe that it was just some advanced concept that maybe you could fully understand after you reach a certain level or spirituality, so I thought that my inability to understand the atonement fully meant that I was spiritually inferior to everyone else. Honestly, one of the best lessons I ever learned was that even the general authorities don’t fully understand the atonement, that it was accomplished in a way that is incomprehensible, and honestly I’m grateful for that because I feel like it puts me on level ground with everyone else.
President Faust says “our salvation depends on believing in and accepting the Atonement. Such acceptance requires a continual effort to understand it more fully.” He says that we have to believe in and accept the atonement, not know 100% of the details, and after all, revealing all the graphic details to the masses has never really been the Lord’s style. He’s more of reveal little by little depending on your desire to learn kind of guy, and I think that that’s wise. A continual effort implies a lifelong journey of learning and gaining knowledge, of growth, by not revealing everything the Lord wisely gives us opportunities to define our own relationship with him. Hmmm…. I hadn’t considered that. I had always thought that keeping information “sacred” just meant “it’s too special for you” but in fact, only by keeping certain information “sacred” are we granted our full agency, otherwise we wouldn’t have the ability to choose a relationship with the Savior. President Faust continues by teaching “any increase in our understanding of His atoning sacrifice draws us closer to Him.” It’s a give and take, the Lord offers us peace, knowledge, and joy, but we have to accept it. Once we do accept it, we make an effort to understand more, and he makes an effort to reveal more, but he respects the right for us to withdraw our efforts at any time.
He then tells a story told by President Gordon B. Hinckley about a group of boys in a schoolhouse who came up with 10 rules, and when one of the little hungry boys broke one of the rules by stealing a bigger boy’s lunch, his punishment was to be beaten “across the back ten times without his coat on.” When the “little hungry fellow, about ten years old” came up he took off his coat “and revealed a bony little crippled body.” Suddenly, Big Tom, who’s lunch was stolen, jumped up and “volunteered to take the boy’s licking… After five strokes across Tom’s back, the rod broke. Little Jim (the thief) had reached up and caught Tom with both arms around his neck. ‘Tom, I’m sorry that I stole your lunch, but I was awful hungry. Tom, I will love you till I die for taking my licking for me! Yes, I will love you forever.” I’ve heard that story before, and honesty when I read it last night I didn’t really grasp it, yeah it’s a nice illustration of love and all that, but I didn’t link that to the love shown in the atonement. Love, I think has been a very difficult concept for me to fully embrace because of my background. Honestly to this day, there are few people that I tell I love them, mostly just my kids and a few friends, because I have always always always associated love with betrayal and manipulation and abuse, always for my whole life. Saying or feeling love for someone or something only made you vulnerable. If you love someone, they will go out of their way to hurt you because it hurts you and that’s what the abuse cycle thrives on.
Abusers don’t hurt people they don’t care about because in the end there is no feeling of control, just like a bully is mean to the kids who cry but not those who ignore them, they do it for the attention, they do it for the reactions, abusers are the same way, the hurt those they care about most because that’s where the reactions are, that’ where the ultimate feelings of control and manipulation are found at maximum capacity. And just like women who marry men just like their fathers, I married a man that wasn’t physically abusive but in so many other ways. So in that relationship too, “love” became a means of pain, it meant putting up with hurt feelings, with all types of craziness because I loved him and he was supposed to love me. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago, the same friend from before and during our conversation I said something that was quite profound for me, something to the effect of “love is a barometer of your self-acceptance. The manner in which you give love is the first indicator because you’re in control. You control who you give love to, how you give it. But the ultimate measure of your self-acceptance is how you accept love, because that’s completely on the other person’s terms.” And when I said that I almost thought “wow, how meaningful” but I was really tired.
As I read that story about Big Tom and Little Jim a third time tonight I finally saw in myself, my own Little Jim, I was that small, thin, cold and hungry, crippled little boy, and Jesus was the one who said “please don’t hurt her, I’ll take her beating.” Even now when I’m writing this, I feel something I’ve never felt before, no one has ever stood up for me, no one has ever protected me, and for so long I always thought that my father or my husband at the time was supposed to be my protector, I’ve always thought “I’ll only marry a man that protects me” and the whole time I have had a protector. And so basically, here I stand in front of the Savior, so hurt and jaded that I can’t even see him as the perfect man, he is literally begging me to let him love me, and it’s taken over 30 years for me to even have enough presence of mind to see that. It’s kind of like on the Simpsons movie when Bart is fishing with Flanders and Bart makes a mistake and immediately goes into choking mode because that’s what he’s used to his father doing, but instead, Flanders pats him on the back and Bart at first pulls away and says “what are you doing?” Then when he realizes that Flanders loves him and would never hurt him, he says “oh a little bit more please.” I’m finally realizing that not only does Jesus not want to hurt me, that he actually LOVES me, I’m saying “oh a little bit more please.” It’s really an interesting shift.
Furthermore President Faust teaches from President J. Reuben Clark, Jr. “I feel that (the Savior) will give that punishment which is the very least that our transgression will justify. I believe that he will bring into his justice all of the infinite love and blessing and mercy and kindness and understanding which he has… And on the other hand, I believe that when it comes to making the rewards for our good conduct, he will give us the maximum that it is possible to give, having in mind the offense which we have committed.” President Faust says “as Isaiah wrote, if we will return unto the Lord, ‘he will abundantly pardon.’” Who is this man, who is this Jesus to feel this way about me? Who is he to love so much? How can he be the yielder of all universal power, yet be gentle and meek and kind? Who am I that he loves me? How is it so?
As the phrase “we rejoice in Christ” stuck with me all day today, as I was driving to work, instead of listening to the Ensign in my usual spot, I searched for that phrase in the LDS Scriptures Library app that I have and many things came up but what I chose to listen to was a general conference talk from April 2010 by Elder Quentin L. Cook entitled “We Follow Jesus Christ.” Unique about this conference apparently was that it was held on Easter Sunday, which made it particularly unique. There are several very profound thoughts that I got out of his talk but I’m short on time so I will just keep to the big ones. “His acquiescence to the will of His Father won the supernal victory over death and is the transcendent even in the history of mankind.” It wasn’t that significant when I heard it the first time, but when I went back and reread it, it hit me. The greatest and saving event ever to have occurred in human history happened because Jesus submitted to the will of his father, even though it was a terrible thing to accomplish. I thought “if Jesus’ submission resulted in the greatest event ever to occur, how many great events in my own life am I missing out on because I refuse to submit?” Truly the atonement shows that the will of God is all knowing and all loving, so he would never ask us to do something that wasn’t for our eternal benefit, by refusing to do what God commands or even just prompts us through the Holy Spirit, we truly forsake blessings, some even of greatest worth. How many times in my own life have I lost out on amazing opportunities because I refused to obey and submit?
A second point that was taught was the importance of taking the Sacrament. “Ordinances and doctrines of great importance were initiated at the Last Supper… First, the Savior introduced the sacrament… Sacrament meeting is the most sacred and holy of all the meetings in the Church… If we are to be His disciples and to be committed members of His church, we must remember and reverence the sacrament. It allows each of us to express with broken hearts and contrite spirits our willingness to follow the Savior, to repent, and to become a Saint through the Atonement of Christ. The sacrament allows us to witness to God that we will remember His Son and keep His commandments as we renew our baptismal covenant.” I thought that this was profound because there was a great deal of his talk dedicated to the sacrament. I’ve never really thought anything of it, to be honest. Yes, it was something that we do every Sunday at church, but it had absolutely no meaning to me. Now starting last Sunday I’m trying to do better, pay attention more, but I’m going to have to focus on the sacrament and learn more.
Lastly, Elder Cook taught that the messages we take from conference need to guide our lives once we return to life on Monday. “We need to be civil in our discourse and respectful in our interaction. This is especially true when we disagree. The Savior taught us to love even our enemies… there are some who feel that venting their personal anger or deeply held opinions is more important that conducting themselves as Jesus Christ lived and taught. I invite each one of us individually to recognize that how we disagree is a real measure of who we are and whether we truly follow the Savior… If we show love and respect even in adverse circumstances, we become more like Christ.” This was very profound for me, because for much of my life, I’ve been in turmoil, many times spiritually because of my own disobedience, but also because of poor choices made by others. For many years I was very hostile, rude, and aggressive, all as an effort to protect a very hurt and emotionally damaged little girl inside me. But I’ve been able to grow much since that time. I’m not that same person, deeply within me, I’m different now.
I try very hard to make people feel loved and important, to be kind, to basically treat them like human beings, but I’m still guarded, especially when it comes to disagreements. I thought that Elder Cook put forth a very good recipe for standing for what you believe but also feeling in tune with the Spirit at the same time. I know when I’ve gone over the limits in “standing up for myself” just by how I feel about it afterward. There was specifically a situation earlier this year where I had been wronged, and even though I was fighting for “myself” I still came away after every encounter feeling bad, and now I know that it was because I had not “disagreed” properly or known when to walk away and trust the Lord to take care of me. I often don’t know when to stop and walk away, and this was a call to me to learn how to more carefully listen to the Spirit in times of disagreement. Because I’ve found that in most disagreements, it’s not clear cut who’s right and who’s wrong, usually there’s truth to both sides, even if it is limited. The statement “how we disagree is a real measure of who we are and whether we truly follow the Savior” was truly a call to check myself.
But the capstone of my experience today was after Elder Cook’s talk was over, it immediately went into President Monson’s talk entitled “He is Risen!” President Monson’s voice is soothing to me, it’s one of those that I could listen to and relax, even if he is simply reading the dictionary. There are a few voices that put me at ease, they are soothing, and his is one of them. He spent 22 minutes giving the most powerful account of the atonement, crucifixion, and resurrection that I’ve even heard, I literally cried. Please listen to it, there are no words, no analysis that I can give of it, but I felt in my little car a feeling that I can’t describe. The most powerful moment for me was when President Monson, who is a special witness of Jesus Christ said “the empty tomb that first Easter morning was the answer to Job’s question, ‘if a man die, shall he live again?’ To all within the sound of my voice, I declare, If a man die, he SHALL live again. We know, for we have the light of revealed truth.” I realized at that moment that nothing else mattered except Christ and the atonement. There is nothing without it, and with it, there is nothing else that matters. Believe it or not, but there is nothing that I can say except that there was a depth opened up in my soul as I listened that is immeasurable. I felt a feeling of magnitude that I’ve never felt before and that I cannot deny. The Lord loves me in a way and capacity that I cannot understand, and for that I’m grateful.
Last night I was searching through my app, trying to find an article or something that might give me a little bit more clarity on what the phrase “we rejoice in Christ” means, and I looked through a few but the one that I settled on is a talk by President James E. Faust from 2001 called “The Atonement: Our Greatest Hope.” I saw in this title a reference to Star Wars, and since I have a 6 year old boy who loves Star Wars I thought that it was fitting. I don’t know much about the atonement, and I think I’ve discussed before that I used to believe that it was just some advanced concept that maybe you could fully understand after you reach a certain level or spirituality, so I thought that my inability to understand the atonement fully meant that I was spiritually inferior to everyone else. Honestly, one of the best lessons I ever learned was that even the general authorities don’t fully understand the atonement, that it was accomplished in a way that is incomprehensible, and honestly I’m grateful for that because I feel like it puts me on level ground with everyone else.
President Faust says “our salvation depends on believing in and accepting the Atonement. Such acceptance requires a continual effort to understand it more fully.” He says that we have to believe in and accept the atonement, not know 100% of the details, and after all, revealing all the graphic details to the masses has never really been the Lord’s style. He’s more of reveal little by little depending on your desire to learn kind of guy, and I think that that’s wise. A continual effort implies a lifelong journey of learning and gaining knowledge, of growth, by not revealing everything the Lord wisely gives us opportunities to define our own relationship with him. Hmmm…. I hadn’t considered that. I had always thought that keeping information “sacred” just meant “it’s too special for you” but in fact, only by keeping certain information “sacred” are we granted our full agency, otherwise we wouldn’t have the ability to choose a relationship with the Savior. President Faust continues by teaching “any increase in our understanding of His atoning sacrifice draws us closer to Him.” It’s a give and take, the Lord offers us peace, knowledge, and joy, but we have to accept it. Once we do accept it, we make an effort to understand more, and he makes an effort to reveal more, but he respects the right for us to withdraw our efforts at any time.
He then tells a story told by President Gordon B. Hinckley about a group of boys in a schoolhouse who came up with 10 rules, and when one of the little hungry boys broke one of the rules by stealing a bigger boy’s lunch, his punishment was to be beaten “across the back ten times without his coat on.” When the “little hungry fellow, about ten years old” came up he took off his coat “and revealed a bony little crippled body.” Suddenly, Big Tom, who’s lunch was stolen, jumped up and “volunteered to take the boy’s licking… After five strokes across Tom’s back, the rod broke. Little Jim (the thief) had reached up and caught Tom with both arms around his neck. ‘Tom, I’m sorry that I stole your lunch, but I was awful hungry. Tom, I will love you till I die for taking my licking for me! Yes, I will love you forever.” I’ve heard that story before, and honesty when I read it last night I didn’t really grasp it, yeah it’s a nice illustration of love and all that, but I didn’t link that to the love shown in the atonement. Love, I think has been a very difficult concept for me to fully embrace because of my background. Honestly to this day, there are few people that I tell I love them, mostly just my kids and a few friends, because I have always always always associated love with betrayal and manipulation and abuse, always for my whole life. Saying or feeling love for someone or something only made you vulnerable. If you love someone, they will go out of their way to hurt you because it hurts you and that’s what the abuse cycle thrives on.
Abusers don’t hurt people they don’t care about because in the end there is no feeling of control, just like a bully is mean to the kids who cry but not those who ignore them, they do it for the attention, they do it for the reactions, abusers are the same way, the hurt those they care about most because that’s where the reactions are, that’ where the ultimate feelings of control and manipulation are found at maximum capacity. And just like women who marry men just like their fathers, I married a man that wasn’t physically abusive but in so many other ways. So in that relationship too, “love” became a means of pain, it meant putting up with hurt feelings, with all types of craziness because I loved him and he was supposed to love me. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago, the same friend from before and during our conversation I said something that was quite profound for me, something to the effect of “love is a barometer of your self-acceptance. The manner in which you give love is the first indicator because you’re in control. You control who you give love to, how you give it. But the ultimate measure of your self-acceptance is how you accept love, because that’s completely on the other person’s terms.” And when I said that I almost thought “wow, how meaningful” but I was really tired.
As I read that story about Big Tom and Little Jim a third time tonight I finally saw in myself, my own Little Jim, I was that small, thin, cold and hungry, crippled little boy, and Jesus was the one who said “please don’t hurt her, I’ll take her beating.” Even now when I’m writing this, I feel something I’ve never felt before, no one has ever stood up for me, no one has ever protected me, and for so long I always thought that my father or my husband at the time was supposed to be my protector, I’ve always thought “I’ll only marry a man that protects me” and the whole time I have had a protector. And so basically, here I stand in front of the Savior, so hurt and jaded that I can’t even see him as the perfect man, he is literally begging me to let him love me, and it’s taken over 30 years for me to even have enough presence of mind to see that. It’s kind of like on the Simpsons movie when Bart is fishing with Flanders and Bart makes a mistake and immediately goes into choking mode because that’s what he’s used to his father doing, but instead, Flanders pats him on the back and Bart at first pulls away and says “what are you doing?” Then when he realizes that Flanders loves him and would never hurt him, he says “oh a little bit more please.” I’m finally realizing that not only does Jesus not want to hurt me, that he actually LOVES me, I’m saying “oh a little bit more please.” It’s really an interesting shift.
Furthermore President Faust teaches from President J. Reuben Clark, Jr. “I feel that (the Savior) will give that punishment which is the very least that our transgression will justify. I believe that he will bring into his justice all of the infinite love and blessing and mercy and kindness and understanding which he has… And on the other hand, I believe that when it comes to making the rewards for our good conduct, he will give us the maximum that it is possible to give, having in mind the offense which we have committed.” President Faust says “as Isaiah wrote, if we will return unto the Lord, ‘he will abundantly pardon.’” Who is this man, who is this Jesus to feel this way about me? Who is he to love so much? How can he be the yielder of all universal power, yet be gentle and meek and kind? Who am I that he loves me? How is it so?
As the phrase “we rejoice in Christ” stuck with me all day today, as I was driving to work, instead of listening to the Ensign in my usual spot, I searched for that phrase in the LDS Scriptures Library app that I have and many things came up but what I chose to listen to was a general conference talk from April 2010 by Elder Quentin L. Cook entitled “We Follow Jesus Christ.” Unique about this conference apparently was that it was held on Easter Sunday, which made it particularly unique. There are several very profound thoughts that I got out of his talk but I’m short on time so I will just keep to the big ones. “His acquiescence to the will of His Father won the supernal victory over death and is the transcendent even in the history of mankind.” It wasn’t that significant when I heard it the first time, but when I went back and reread it, it hit me. The greatest and saving event ever to have occurred in human history happened because Jesus submitted to the will of his father, even though it was a terrible thing to accomplish. I thought “if Jesus’ submission resulted in the greatest event ever to occur, how many great events in my own life am I missing out on because I refuse to submit?” Truly the atonement shows that the will of God is all knowing and all loving, so he would never ask us to do something that wasn’t for our eternal benefit, by refusing to do what God commands or even just prompts us through the Holy Spirit, we truly forsake blessings, some even of greatest worth. How many times in my own life have I lost out on amazing opportunities because I refused to obey and submit?
A second point that was taught was the importance of taking the Sacrament. “Ordinances and doctrines of great importance were initiated at the Last Supper… First, the Savior introduced the sacrament… Sacrament meeting is the most sacred and holy of all the meetings in the Church… If we are to be His disciples and to be committed members of His church, we must remember and reverence the sacrament. It allows each of us to express with broken hearts and contrite spirits our willingness to follow the Savior, to repent, and to become a Saint through the Atonement of Christ. The sacrament allows us to witness to God that we will remember His Son and keep His commandments as we renew our baptismal covenant.” I thought that this was profound because there was a great deal of his talk dedicated to the sacrament. I’ve never really thought anything of it, to be honest. Yes, it was something that we do every Sunday at church, but it had absolutely no meaning to me. Now starting last Sunday I’m trying to do better, pay attention more, but I’m going to have to focus on the sacrament and learn more.
Lastly, Elder Cook taught that the messages we take from conference need to guide our lives once we return to life on Monday. “We need to be civil in our discourse and respectful in our interaction. This is especially true when we disagree. The Savior taught us to love even our enemies… there are some who feel that venting their personal anger or deeply held opinions is more important that conducting themselves as Jesus Christ lived and taught. I invite each one of us individually to recognize that how we disagree is a real measure of who we are and whether we truly follow the Savior… If we show love and respect even in adverse circumstances, we become more like Christ.” This was very profound for me, because for much of my life, I’ve been in turmoil, many times spiritually because of my own disobedience, but also because of poor choices made by others. For many years I was very hostile, rude, and aggressive, all as an effort to protect a very hurt and emotionally damaged little girl inside me. But I’ve been able to grow much since that time. I’m not that same person, deeply within me, I’m different now.
I try very hard to make people feel loved and important, to be kind, to basically treat them like human beings, but I’m still guarded, especially when it comes to disagreements. I thought that Elder Cook put forth a very good recipe for standing for what you believe but also feeling in tune with the Spirit at the same time. I know when I’ve gone over the limits in “standing up for myself” just by how I feel about it afterward. There was specifically a situation earlier this year where I had been wronged, and even though I was fighting for “myself” I still came away after every encounter feeling bad, and now I know that it was because I had not “disagreed” properly or known when to walk away and trust the Lord to take care of me. I often don’t know when to stop and walk away, and this was a call to me to learn how to more carefully listen to the Spirit in times of disagreement. Because I’ve found that in most disagreements, it’s not clear cut who’s right and who’s wrong, usually there’s truth to both sides, even if it is limited. The statement “how we disagree is a real measure of who we are and whether we truly follow the Savior” was truly a call to check myself.
But the capstone of my experience today was after Elder Cook’s talk was over, it immediately went into President Monson’s talk entitled “He is Risen!” President Monson’s voice is soothing to me, it’s one of those that I could listen to and relax, even if he is simply reading the dictionary. There are a few voices that put me at ease, they are soothing, and his is one of them. He spent 22 minutes giving the most powerful account of the atonement, crucifixion, and resurrection that I’ve even heard, I literally cried. Please listen to it, there are no words, no analysis that I can give of it, but I felt in my little car a feeling that I can’t describe. The most powerful moment for me was when President Monson, who is a special witness of Jesus Christ said “the empty tomb that first Easter morning was the answer to Job’s question, ‘if a man die, shall he live again?’ To all within the sound of my voice, I declare, If a man die, he SHALL live again. We know, for we have the light of revealed truth.” I realized at that moment that nothing else mattered except Christ and the atonement. There is nothing without it, and with it, there is nothing else that matters. Believe it or not, but there is nothing that I can say except that there was a depth opened up in my soul as I listened that is immeasurable. I felt a feeling of magnitude that I’ve never felt before and that I cannot deny. The Lord loves me in a way and capacity that I cannot understand, and for that I’m grateful.
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