Love and Suicide

I want to start off by taking a few minutes to discuss something that has been weighing heavily on my mind for the last few days. A 17 year old girl in our ward committed suicide last week. Now I just moved into the ward only a month ago so I had no idea who she was, but it has been very disturbing to me. I grew up pretty crappy, and I was deeply depressed for the vast majority of my youth, and I know what it's like to be so deep in darkness and despair that death seems like the only way for rest. I lived that philosophy for many, many years. Now that I'm on this side of it, I haven't dealt with that for over a decade, the pain is still very vivid to me, and so when I heard that that's what had happened, I felt like it was a little piece of me too, just because I had been there, that could have been me. And I finally saw what suicide looks like from a parent's eyes. I had always only considered what the actual person had been feeling, but to finally consider the effect that it has on the family, especially parents, made me sick. I imagined it being my own daughter and I almost couldn't stand it. I wished that I had known her, I could have reached out to her. Then the shocking part comes. A couple of weeks ago, my ward had a beach party, and I didn't know hardly anyone so I just hung out with the few people that I knew. Well, I was standing in the water watching my kids, talking to a couple other women, and a teenage couple from the ward were all over each other, and in the water around the kids and we thought "how inappropriate for a church party!" They debated if someone should say something and I volunteered, since I didn't know them and I'm kind of in your face anyway, especially to teenagers, because, now I realize, I feel like they shouldn't be having any fun, they shouldn't have a childhood, they should be working and unwanted like I was, they should be miserable because I was miserable. How sick that is. Anyway, we didn't end up saying anything, but I just realized today that the teenage girl with her boyfriend, was the girl who committed suicide. When I realized that, I was sick, sick to my stomach and so ashamed of myself. Could you imagine if I had said something to her, only to have her take her own life 2 weeks later? Here I am wishing that I could have reached out to this girl, because I didn't know her, but when confronted with her in a different way, I was going to go out of my way to say something to her, at a ward function no less?! This is life changing for me. When I realized everything that goes into this scenario, I am grateful that I didn't say anything to her, though I'm sure I could have gone out of my way to be nice, which I didn't, I wasn't mean but just kind of indifferent, and I shouldn't have been like that. And looking back at everyone I've ever ripped a new one to, what if they went and committed suicide, or serious sin as a means of escaping, and here I was not interested at all in how they feel, no consideration to how hard their life is or what they've been through, but only that they understand how difficult my own life has been. You know, I think that this is really what my struggle is all about. I need validation, I'm constantly afraid that someone will tell me that I'm over reacting, my first 20 years weren't that bad, there is nothing worse than hearing that. It's like someone telling you "who cares that you got shot 9 times, it's not that bad, you're over reacting" as you try to heal. My attitude is very "I'm the boss" and this is an act of protection for me, I've found that if you put off a vibe of "don't mess with me" even if it's not in a negative way, then people generally leave you alone. But that's not really meek or humble is it? It's not necessarily arrogant, but it's surely not the way the Savior lived his life. But he wasn't vulnerable either. How was he meek and strong at the same time? What does that even mean? I'm going to have to think about this. Anyway, I've been deeply impacted by this experience, and I reflect on what I've learned as far as the nature of God, he does not compel us to action, but he invites us. He asks us to please come to him, he coaxes, he gently persuades, and I'm going to implement this into my life effective immediately. No more am I going to be the rough stone and scratches people when I go by just to avoid getting messed with. I'm going to act in love, I'm going to see with eyes of love, I want to see others the way that God sees them, I want to love them the way God loves them, and I want to treat them the way that God would treat them. Listening to the Ensign yesterday, there was a quote by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf titled "Why Does Heavenly Father Love Us?" This has been a question that I have asked many times, why? Why love? Why us? He says "He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our resume but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God's love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked. What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. no matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us." I want to love everyone, I want to be able to say "I love you" and more importantly I want to be able to show them "I love you" the way that God does. I want the love of God to be my governing principle. I want to talk more about suicide, and my own perspective on it. But I don't feel like now's the time. Here's an amazing talk called "Suicide: Somethings we know and some we do not"  that brought me peace and that I hope to discuss later.