Transforming, Enduring, Charity... reflections from yesterday

I spent a lot of the day thinking about what “baptism by fire” meant. It’s really something new and different for me, but truly it answers so many questions. I couldn’t help but find the metaphor of our hearts being bags of broken glass and the Holy Ghost burning within us to cleanse us of impurities and also to melt us back together to be healed. So I thought “what does it mean to have the Holy Ghost burn within us?” Well, remember when I talked about the Lord wanting to teach us through many different means, well driving to work today I was listening to the Ensign, and I haven’t listened to it for a couple of weeks because the data on my phone was hanging on for dear life, but today it reset and I could listen again. Well I started at my last bookmark, even though I had heard all the articles before twice, I listened to them again, and sure enough, here the Lord was trying to expand my understanding. Last night I talked about keeping the commandments as a part of the “cleansing” process and “enduring to the end, well in an Ensign article that I listened to called "Why Agency" by Charles Swift, he quotes Elder Dallin H. Oaks as teaching "the commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account." This implies to me that outward actions are not enough, that there is something deeper, hidden beneath the surface that must be perfected, and sure enough the quote continues "The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become." The word "become" indicates a change of the whole being, as my Relief Society lesson taught last week, having the appearance of righteousness is not enough to actually BE righteous. A caterpillar "becomes" a butterfly, a student "becomes" a doctor, a seed "becomes" a plant, these are all encompassing changes, they embody new knowledge, new behaviors, and new states of being. A mailman does not "become" the mail simply by handling it, a lizard does not "become" a ferret because it acts like a ferret, and a dog does not "become" a human just because it eats human food. So to truly become like God we must not only do the things that God would do, but we must have a complete transformation of heart and soul. We must learn what we can, and we must truly desire righteousness in our hearts. I had an epiphany the other day, I believe while writing a post in here, I had the thought that everything good is from God and everything bad is from the devil. Oh that's right I think it was the post about satan being the father of lies. And it occurred to me that everything bad meant anything negative, anything at all, bad feelings, irritation, anger, frustration, "venting," drama, problems, it all comes from him, and then on Facebook or something I saw a little saying that said something like "no one cares what you say, they only care how they feel when they are around you," and I had heard that before, but in the light of the realization that I had just had, I pledged to do better about what I say and the "vibes" that I put off. Am I a venter? Do I need to let people have it with all my problems to make myself feel better? Do I anger quickly? Do I find fault with others? I decided that from that point on I would focus on how people feel when they are around me. I truly want them to feel happy and safe around me, because I believe that that's truly how Jesus wants them to feel, so it's my responsibility to make sure they feel that. It's like the saying goes, "the best way to help those who don't know God is to make them want to know Him because they know you" or something like that, but you get the idea, that's my own personal little missionary style I guess, hey, stick with what you know right? Anyway, once we see that a total transformation is needed, and that transformation comes through the atonement and the Holy Ghost, how do we make that change? Well, Elder Oaks is kind enough to answer that for us saying "this spotless and perfect state will result from a steady succession of covenants, ordinances, and actions, an accumulation of right choices, and from continuing repentance." And here in the IM from last night's reading Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin teaches "enduring to the end means that we have planted our lives firmly on gospel soil, staying in the mainstream of the Church, humbly serving our fellowmen, living Christlike lives, and keeping our covenants. Those who endure are balanced, consistent, humble, constantly improving, and without guile. Their testimonies are not based on worldly reasons-they are based on truth, knowledge, experience, and the Spirit." I love that, so simple yet profound. He doesn't mention anything big, he doesn't say like you have to bring someone back from the dead, or anything like that, everything that he mentioned is small, everyday attributes that that make up my concept of "spiritually breathing." Our bodies must breathe all day everyday to live and grow, likewise, our spirits must breathe all day everyday to stay alive in Christ and grow closer to him. It's a constant endeavor, that happens many times a day. If we only ate of Sundays we would wither away physically and die a slow, painful death. Similarly, if we only "eat" spiritually on Sundays, our spirits wither away and slowly die until we are past the point of feeling and bound by the flaxen cords of satan.

The first Ensign article that I heard that spoke to me on the subject was called "With Faith in God, I Am Never Alone" by Donna Hollenbeck. It was about a woman who was divorced and her grown children had just moved out onto their own lives and she found herself painfully alone. This spoke to me because I am divorced and even though my children are young, I have thought about what I would do when they grow up and move out and I'm an empty nester. I'd like to think that I'll get married again, but who knows, I don't even have any prospects right now, so her story seemed like mine in 15 years. She talked about how she cried with loneliness and I'm not looking forward to that, she says "most of the time I felt completely alone, and I didn't like it. The constant stillness eventually evoked an uncontrollable stream of tears. I had nowhere to turn for comfort except on my knees in prayer." I've felt that way before, many times, especially recently, within the last few years. I get very overwhelmed with all my responsibilities with work and my kids and callings, and things that I know I should be doing better at, and I know I should be eating better and working out, and my kids are upset and I can't do anything more than I'm already doing to comfort and love them. I so often feel so completely helpless and buried under the weight of what I "should" be doing. I just cry or feel so paralyzed and I have no one to turn to but the Lord and it's been very recently that I've actually engaged in turning to the Lord for everything, it's a very new and amazing experience for me. While listening to her talk about praying to Heavenly Father and the comfort and peace that He gave her and that that's when she truly realized that she was never alone, I thought "if the Holy Ghost burns in our hearts, then we never are alone," he is the comforter, bringing the love of God deep into our hearts and touching us on a level that no one else can.

The last topic I want to talk about was "Charity." In the article called "Handling Criticism in Our Callings" there was a quote by Elder Marvin J. Ashton that says "perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other." I love that, I thought that it was so clear and simple, and I also realized while typing that, that I'm not as charitable as I thought I was. I don't get offended very easily, I always assumes that people are not trying to hurt my feelings, but there's a lot that I need to do to become truly charitable. For instance, a lot of those examples speaks to my ex husband and some difficult feelings I've had recently. Part of my wants to air all the dirty laundry and get sympathy, but my more grown up part will refrain from making him look bad and just secretly hold on to the irritation that I cause myself over him. I need to be patient and forgiving, and up until this point, I haven't been, I've been standoffish, irritable, and difficult. And I put it all under the guise of "protecting my children" but really I'm just trying to stick it to him and make sure that he feels like the jerk. And that's wrong and I need to work on that.