Jacob 3:1-3 Pure in Heart

3:1-4 – I have never understood what “pure in heart” means, I have never felt that I was pure in heart, and honestly I still don’t. I feel like I’ve always been too cynical, too jaded to be pure in heart. Even now after all the growth that I’ve made, I still feel like a pure heart is like childhood innocence, once it’s lost its gone forever. I guess that doesn’t make sense, since that is not the theme of the Lord’s work, there is always the opportunity to come back, to be restored spiritually, to make even the vilest of sinners become the prophet, just like Alma the younger, or Alma Jr. as me and the kids call him. This verse seems to be cited many time, and rereading it, maybe it’s not “if you’re pure in heart, do this,” but instead a recipe for becoming pure in heart. Looking at it from that perspective, verse 1 might read, as I paraphrase, to be pure in heart, “look unto God with firmness of mind, pray unto him with exceeding faith,” and the result of that will be “he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction.” Kind of like the Holy Ghost is the purifying power of the heart after baptism, prayer, faith, and hope can be the keys to becoming pure in heart, and the results can be comfort, advocacy, and protection. It’s interesting that I’m reading this today, in this context. I’ve had a really rough day. I like the saying “what if tomorrow, you only woke up with the things that you thanked God for today,” it’s very powerful when we think about what I would hate to do without just because of my ingratitude. It’s kind of like my kids, oh my goodness, I hadn’t even thought about it like this, but my daughter has been driving me nuts lately because she always wants something, and it’s cool stuff, and I want her to have them, but she is relentless in asking, no matter how many times I tell her, not right now. I know what she wants, I know that she wants it really bad, her incessant “mom, can I get a mermaid tail?” 500 frickin times everyday makes me absolutely insane. I want her to just relax, understand that I’m working on it, I want her to have it too, but it’s just not the right time. Now I have to be honest, most of the reasons that I don’t get her what she wants right away all the time is because of what it means for me. Another pet means clean up and work for me, a mermaid tail is expensive and I have bills to pay. I want her to just look at the fact that she gets to do gymnastics and most other kids don’t, she gets to do really cool stuff, and we live in a super nice house, and we get to live with Grandma and Grandpa. We have a lot of amazing stuff, we really live really amazing lives, but her constantly asking for stuff and never saying thank you makes me feel like she is developing the wrong attitude. And I see myself in that same situation with the Lord right now. I have an amazing life, and I know it’s because I’m blessed and not because I’m awesome. I have a great job, I have great kids, I’m healthy, and I have the gospel. 99.9% of people on the planet would trade places with me in a heartbeat, and yet, here I am, grumpy because I’m tired and irritable because someone is sassy with me. I should be ashamed of myself and my attitude. I’ve spent the vast majority of my time at work today giving people attitude, I really don’t deserve to work here at all, I really deserve to be foraging through garbage dumps for food with my attitude. And even tonight, one of the doctors who has been giving me problems and attitude all night thanked me for staying late before I left, and that was a reminder to me that I in fact had probably treated someone else just like he treated me because of my grumpy attitude, and yet I wasn’t going out of my way to apologize for it, or thank them for being a better person. I have worked very hard to try and treat all people kindly, and to watch what I say. I always try to ask myself before I say something “how will what I’m about to say influence the opinion of the listener about the person I’m going to talk about?” And if the answer is negatively, I don’t say it, and if the answer is positive, I do say it. But that went flying out the window today, and I don’t think those words came from a pure heart. Oh wow… now that’s interesting. My thoughts and actions come from the heart, good thoughts and actions come from a pure heart, bad thoughts and actions come from a corrupt heart. Very interesting. That’s how I can determine whether or not my heart is pure, if my thoughts and actions are Christ-like or not, not whether or not something has happened in the past that has made me cynical. Another problem that I think that I’ve been having, has to do with the “pray unto him with exceeding faith” part. Oh but wait, that’s interesting because it doesn’t say “pray and he will grant you whatever you pray for,” it says, and I paraphrase “pray and he will comfort you, advocate for you, and protect you.” I work a shift that if very difficult for my family. I don’t sleep hardly at all, I only get to spend an hour or so with my kids each day. They are involved in such awesome stuff and I’ve never seen anything. I want to put them to bed, read them stories, sing them songs, I want to take them to their activities, I want to make their dinner and eat it with them. I want to be their mother, and I know that they are desperate for that too. So I pray and pray and pray that the Lord will give me a different shift, and I feel that my desires are righteous, being a loving, involved mom is a righteous desire, yes? But maybe instead of telling the Lord how to fix my situation, I need to be asking what he would have me do. Going back to the analogy of my daughter’s constant asking for stuff, my giving her what she wants or not comes from a fallen state of mind, how will it affect me, because my knowledge and resources are finite, God however, knows all, from the beginning to the end. His answers to my prayers comes because of what’s best for me. Interesting, my answer to my daughter is derived from “what’s best for Amy” and God’s answers to my prayers and also “what’s best for Amy?” And I believe that he knows that my desires are righteous and that the kids need their mother, but I also believe that there must be a lesson that we are supposed to learn from this situation, there must be some purpose, he must be advocating for us and/or protecting us. Instead of telling the Lord what I need, maybe I should be asking him what I need. This is the spiritual submission that I’m not very good at, maybe that’s what it is, maybe I’m a horse that needs to be broken before I can go to the rodeo. I think what I’m going to do is pray with exceeding faith, and instead of seeking what I want, I’m going to seek guidance, and comfort. I believe that if I can continually receive guidance and comfort from the Lord’s hand, then I will be much further along on my journey, and ultimately much happier and a better mother.