My lesson from yesterday continued on today and it's really been quite interesting. My constant reminder to "Rejoice in Christ" has brought me to some insights, especially when it comes to work. I can do my job, I can even do it at the same pace that I've been doing it, but I don't have to be a psycho about it. My son woke me up this morning, even though he's not supposed to, but I was ok, I didn't get mad, I just loved him and did my daughter's hair, prayed with them and watched my daughter make a paper boat that she was so proud of, it was really a rewarding morning. It was as I was falling back to sleep and thinking about what I experienced yesterday that I had a very profound insight. The woman that I was talking to yesterday prayed that I would be able to go to a day shift and take care of my babies, which is all that I want, my top priority, and to be fair, it's a pretty noble desire, but that's when I realized that my desire shouldn't be to take care of my babies, to be at home with them more. I guess I should say that my whole shake down started yesterday when I got to work and apologized to a woman I work with for being angry with her on Monday because there were inpatient's left over from the day time. I did the whole "wo is me" thing, and even though I know that she works hard all the time, is not treated well by others, and has saved me many times from call, I still acted like that to her. I promised her that I would never act like that again, and everyone pretty much said, "about frickin time!" Even my really good friend was like, "I'm coming to you as a friend, you need to chill out." I love her and I know that she loves me, but I see that the day time people walk on eggshells around me, I know that I overreact many, many times, and freak out pretty consistently. I thought about all that feedback I got from the people that I work with, honestly the people I spend most of my time with, and I know that I've treated the vast majority of them poorly on at least one occasion, we just get so busy at work and I feel like I carry that load personally, so I get mad and act a fool. I do this with co-workers, family members, my kids, people at church, I'm loud, I'm aggressive, I'm in your face, I'm confrontational, and even though I'm doing better than I have been before, I still have so much about me personally that I don't like. I don't want to be that person that gets mad at work, no matter what. I don't want to be that mom who screams at my kids all the time, I don't want to be the woman who has to put every man in his place at our first encounter so he knows that I'm in charge and he can't hurt me, yeah realized that little insight about myself recently, maybe it explains why I'm still single. I don't want to be the loud obnoxious one, I don't want to be the one who talks but never listens, I don't want to have the "pay attention to me" sign over my head all the time because of my screaming insecurities, and all these aspects of myself came to the fore front of my mind this morning, after my kids left for school, and I laid in bed thinking about what had happened yesterday. I thought about her prayer for me to be able to change my shift, and how much I disliked so many abrasive aspects of myself that I hold on to as a defense mechanism. I wished there was a way that I could change these things, and then it occurred that there was a way that it could be changed but it wasn't me who could do it. I prayed for Jesus to change my heart and I saw in that moment, for honestly the first time in my life, that the woman that Jesus could create out of me is exactly who I wanted to be. I saw and truly believed in my heart, for the first time ever, that I could never be able to become who I wanted to be on my own, that the only way that it could happen was if I turned my life and heart over to the Lord and allowed him to mold me. I've fought everything he's tried to do for me, I've received his blessings kicking and screaming, and I prayed for Jesus to change my heart, to make me into the woman that he has planned for me, because I knew that his plan for me didn't have any of those aspects of aggression and insecurity. I don't know how to do it, I don't know how to change all these aspects, I don't know how to heal a lifetime of self defense mechanisms, I told him "Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." I saw the changes that the Lord has helped me make already, and they've been miraculous, and I'm so grateful, but I realized that it's not that the Lord HAS saved me, but it's that the Lord IS saving me. When I woke up, I was happy, in a good mood, I played with the dog for a few minutes, I put together a tv stand for the new house, everything was going great, then it came time for me to move the 42" tv onto the new stand. I knew that it was heavy and I knew that it was awkward, and I knew that there was no way that I was going to be able to move it, and I heard in my head, "wait for your dad to get home." And I thought "no the pieces are already out, and I don't know when my dad will be home and if I can even get it finished before I go to work, and the kids will just mess up and lose all the pieces." Again in my head, "wait for your dad to get home." I said, "no, I've been waiting for a week for this already." Again in my head, "wait for your dad to get home." So what do I do? I start taking the tv down by myself anyway. Long story short, the picture up there is what the tv looks like now because I dropped it. I was so angry with myself, but I thought, "we rejoice in Christ." I tried to find the lesson in this. The first one was for me to be patient. There was absolutely no need for me to do it all by myself, I could have waited. The second, and most profound lesson was to listen to the Holy Ghost. I realized that when the Holy Ghost is teaching me something that I don't know or reassuring me, I'm all ears, but the second he tries to tell me what to do, I'm not interested. I can't even tell you how many times he's told me to do something and I've completely blown him off, usually to my detriment. I honestly don't know why he even speaks to me anymore, I heed his counsel even less than I heed that of my children. My kids were furious with me, but I told them of my not listening to the Holy Ghost and not being patient and they told me "mom you should have listened to the Holy Ghost, you better listen next time." So I'm hoping that this lesson sticks with them. I brought myself out of my anger with the thought that, we have the plan of salvation, we have the atonement, if this is the lesson that is required for me to finally learn to heed the counsel of the Holy Ghost and be patient, then it was a cheap one, and I'm grateful. I thanked Heavenly Father for His constant care and lessons. I know it might seem a far fetched example from just a simple broken tv but it really tied all of my experiences in the last two days together as I saw that Jesus can save me, can change my heart and help me not only love him and others but love myself as well, and that he can teach me and do this through his Holy Ghost, if I will only listen.
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