D&C 64:9-11

64:9-11 - DJR considers this next section “probably some of the most often-quoted in the Doctrine and Covenants. The doctrine is clear. We must forgive others in order to be forgiven ourselves.” The Lord says, “Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” This is such a complex issue, especially when you consider the horrors and atrocities that we commit against each other. But if the Lord commands it, then it must be possible to do, but I guess the question, then, is how do you do it? How do you move on? How do you forgive? DJR says is perfectly when he comments “The last phrase of verse 9, above, bears further comment. At first glance, it sounds unfair, especially in the case of serious and damaging actions against us by others. For instance, in cases of robbery, rape, child abuse, spouse abuse, and other traumatizing ‘trespasses’ against someone, how can the victim be guilty of a ‘greater sin’ by not forgiving the perpetrator? There are several possible answers to this question. We will consider two. First, another term for sin, trespass, etc., is ‘spiritual damage.’ Thus, anger, hatred, desires for revenge, and so forth, if allowed to remain ‘in’ us, can do ‘greater’ damage over time than the original ‘trespass’ against us. They can cripple spiritual and emotional growth as well as healing. Second, if those who have trespassed against us do get to the point where they are repenting and asking our forgiveness, and we refuse their pleas for forgiveness, we can do even ‘greater’ damage to them than they did to us. There is another question we must address with these verses. Does forgiving mean allowing additional ‘trespasses’? Does the Lord require that we continue to be ‘walked on’? We find an answer by reading what Nephi was commanded by the Lord to do after repeated trespasses against him by Laman and Lemuel. He was commanded to ‘flee’ his brethren and to go with those who would follow him to a place and situation in which they could have peace. Yet another question must be considered. What if a person who has been severely traumatized by another’s actions tries to forgive, prays for help, seeks counsel from others, reads the scriptures, and so forth, but still finds that he or she is emotionally incapable of forgiving? What then? Mercifully, the answer is found in verse 11, next. ’11 And ye ought to say in your hearts –let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.’ In other words, they are invited to turn the burden of ‘judging’ and punishing over to God and thus get on with their lives. Over many years serving as a bishop and stake president, I found verse 11, above, to be most helpful in such situations. The major step for people who had yet been able to muster the strength emotionally, to forgive their ‘trespasser’ was to turn things over to the Savior. I asked them if they felt that they could support the Savior’s decision and actions, with respect to their abuser. Usually, the immediate answer was ‘yes,’ which brought visible relief. In some cases, they had to pray for strength first over a period of time to simply turn the person or persons over to the Lord. Having taken this step, it was not long before they began seeing their ‘enemy’ with pity and with a hope that he or she could someday change and avoid the misery that awaited them if they refused to repent.” I know that for me personally, I would have not been able to say immediately “yes, I can support the Savior’s decision” because I know myself to be rebellious and distrustful by nature, but I know that my own personal healing has come to the point where I have to know that the Lord is pleased with my efforts to be righteous, even though they are seriously lacking, I had to come to know in my heart who I am, that I am precious and loved and cherished. I had to know that when I cried and suffered, the Savior cried and suffered with me, he didn’t enjoy my pain, he wasn’t disinterested in it, but he was in agony because of what I was feeling. I had to come to terms with the fact that bad things could and probably would still happen to me, because we live in a fallen world, but that the best protection that I could have, comes from God as he protects his righteous. I learned that God does protect his righteous, there are miracles every day that show this. I know that Satan has to be granted permission to assault God’s people with trials, and if a time comes when the protective barrier of righteousness is penetrated, then it is because God has allowed it so that it can be a major lesson in our lives, in which he has prepared a way for us to grow closer to him. This is a very difficult concept to explain to a child or someone who has had serious trauma, it’s hard to look at someone who has suffered pain beyond my understanding and say, “it’s for your own good,” which is true, but incredibly insensitive. Someone who has been traumatized can only understand this lesson when they are able to look at it with the knowledge of who God really is, and who they really are to him. The IM quotes Elder Marion D. Hanks as teaching, “Someone has written:… ‘the withholding of love is the negation of the spirit of Christ, the proof that we never knew him, that for us he lived in vain. It means that he suggested nothing in all our thoughts, that we were not once near enough to him to be seized with the spell of his compassion for the world.’… What is our response when we are offended, misunderstood, unfairly or unkindly treated, or sinned against, made an offender for a word, falsely accused, passed over, hurt by those we love, our offerings rejected? Do we resent, become bitter, hold a grudge? Or do we resolve the problem if we can, forgive, and rid ourselves of the burden? The nature of our response to such situations may well determine the nature and quality of our lives, here and eternally… But not only our eternal salvation depends upon our willingness and capacity to forgive wrongs committed against us. Our joy and satisfaction in this life, and our true freedom, depend upon our doing so. When Christ bade us turn the other cheek, walk the second mile, give our cloak to him who takes our coat, was it to be chiefly out of consideration for the bully, the brute, the thief? Or was it to relieve the one aggrieved of the destructive burden that resentment and anger lay upon us? Paul wrote to the Romans that nothing ‘shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. I am sure that this is true. I bear testimony that this is true. But it is also true that we can separate ourselves from his spirit… In every case of sin this is true. Envy, arrogance, unrighteous dominion- these canker the soul or one who is guilty of them. It is true also if we fail to forgive. Even if it appears that another may be deserving of our resentment or hatred, none of us can afford to pay the price of resenting or hating, because of what it does to us. If we have felt the gnawing, mordant inroads of these emotions, we know the harm we suffer… It is reported that President Brigham Young once said that he who takes offense when no offense was intended is a fool, and he who takes offense when offense was intended is usually a fool. It was then explained that there are two courses of action to follow when one is bitten by a rattlesnake. One may, in anger, hear, or vengefulness, pursue the creature and kill it. Or he may make full haste to get the venom out of his system. If we purse the latter course we will likely survive, but if we attempt the follow the former, we may not be around long enough to finish it.” Ok, I’m going to say something that probably sounds sacrilegious, and honestly, might be, but I’m always so wary of men, especially old, white men who talk about forgiving others, because honestly, most of them have not experienced the horror of childhood neglect, abandonment, and abuse of all kinds. I know someone who went to her Stake President for counsel on healing from childhood abuse, to which he responded “what do you want me to do? Call the police? Get over it.” Most men cannot and will not even attempt to understand what it might be like to be a woman who has been exploited, and I hold a hard place in my heart against men, especially old, white men, for that. It’s one thing to try to empathize even though it hasn’t happened to you, which is acceptable, but it’s another to not even be interested, or worse be disdainful, of experiences that you have not, nor cannot experience yourself, especially when you are made a steward over that woman. I guess I haven’t let go as much as I thought that I have. I’ve been exceptionally blessed since I’ve been back in the church to have amazing bishops, and I’m grateful for that, because it hasn’t always been the case, and I understand that it won’t always be the case, and that’s going to be hard for me. So I guess really, what I need to do is come to terms with the fact that everything that has happened to me, has happened for a reason, it’s to make me stronger, to bring me closer to the Savior, I have to trust that God knows what he’s doing and that it will all work out for my good, like he promises that it will.