Doubtful Disputations - Romans 14:1

Speaking to such a diverse population, Paul continues teaching the people who they should behave, not just towards non-Christians, but also towards each other. He counsels to receive “him that is weak in the faith,” in order to strengthen his belief and testimony in Christ. But they are not to receive him “to doubtful disputations.” This is where that humility comes in, the ability to see someone in a different stage of life than you and not feel the need to shame them into progressing, because that just doesn’t work. When someone comes to church in a state that we consider weaker than our own, we often assume the role of mentor to them, and sometimes that is appreciated and sometimes it’s not.

One of the programs that I see this often is in Ministering. So many of us, myself included sometimes, take the role of “I’m the minister, I’m going to help you,” and instead of growing a fruitful, mutual beneficial relationship, we fall into the roles of almost parent-child. One of the things that deprives us the most of friendship and success is the attitude of “I’m the helper and you’re the one who is getting helped.” One of the most pivotal points in a “visiting teaching” relationship came when I asked then allowed the girl that I visit taught for help. This singular event not only transformed our relationship into a great friendship that blossoms today, but also my life and whole out look on conversion.  
“Doubtful disputations” could mean several things in the context of verse 1, and they are all profitable for consideration. First, it could mean that we as members are doubtful about the commitment of the “weak” person. When someone is really committed to a cause, or at least believes that they are, and especially if that commitment is a large part of their identity, they don’t want others who they deem unworthy to share in that identity. This is a pretty common theme throughout insecure individuals.
I know that I’ve definitely been guilty of this. I’m a single mom and it’s really hard, and honestly I use that phrase to describe myself because I feel like it explains a lot about my circumstances. But then there are other people who describe themselves as “single parents” and I think “you get child support, you have someone to watch your kids, you get nights off, you’re not really a single parent like me.” It’s gate keeping, “my situation is harder” or “my situation is more authentic,” therefore you can’t qualify yourself as such.
This is not a helpful thought process for either myself or for those that I’m trying to exclude from the club. It demonstrates my insecurities, deprives me of a friend who could support me, and I deprive the other people of a friend who could support them. Likewise, when we are weak in our relationship with God and the gospel, then seeing someone else come in who also appears weak in their relationship with God and the gospel, it might threaten to expose our own flaws, make us reflect on our own shortcomings, or maybe even threaten to change the focus of others from supporting us to supporting this new person. Even though I’m sure that rarely do we understand these subconscious motivations enough to put them into words, they still happen, and are often obvious to the emotionally stable outsider.
The second way “doubtful disputations” could be applied is when the person who is “weak in the faith” is more motivated to feed their doubts than destroying them. This happens when someone is feeling the pull of the Spirit but doesn’t quite want to let it go just yet. They might show up with the “intent” of being strengthened in the gospel, but in actuality, again subconsciously, they want something to go wrong and therefore give them an excuse to leave again. As committed members, there’s not a lot that we can do about the intentions of other people, but what we can do is not feed into their downward spiral. When people have determined to find a reason to leave, they will find one, there’s nothing we can do about that, but we can still be kind, we can not feed into their frenzy, and just wish them well.
The third lesson from “doubtful disputations” is basically just to take people at face value. This is a lesson that I’ve learned the hard way, mostly during my divorce. I used to spend so much time and energy thinking “did he really mean what he said?” or “he said he wasn’t leaving, but will he do it anyway?” In the end, I had no control over whether or not he was lying or whether or not he was going to leave. But when I treated him like a liar or like he was going to leave, we had difficulties in our relationship because I was treating him like a criminal regardless of whether or not he actually was one. It’s kind of like when one spouse is so afraid that the other is going to cheat on them that they hound them day and night “did you cheat on me?” that eventually the other spouse says, “I’m already paying the price for adultery, may as well do it.”
This might be an out there example but it is similar to how we treat others in the church sometimes, especially those who are struggling with something taboo or less “common.” We might have a “gotcha” attitude, where we might catch someone slipping up. I find this attitude within myself when I roll my eyes when someone talks about how difficult something is, because I think “you don’t even know what difficult is.” We might treat youth this way by pushing and pushing until they “disclose” some shortcoming or temptation, then we feel like they can “trust” us because they finally told us something, when in fact we just made them really uncomfortable. I guess the lesson here is to be open and supportive when needed, but not pushy when not needed. Also I’ve learned that I have a lot of insecurities.