Family Affair - 1 Corinthians 7:12-16

One thing that I really like about Paul in chapter 7 is that he is very clear in distinguishing which counsel he is giving from his own personal opinion and which counsel is coming from God. Paul states that the next bit is only his opinion but I find the counsel wise and prudent. Apparently in ancient Corinth, as now, there was a great deal of Christians who married non-Christians and it was causing some problems in the Church. There are some unique circumstances that don’t usually apply to us, but maybe they do actually.

The first situation that Paul addresses is simply when one spouse “believeth not,” but wants to remain in the marriage. Significantly Paul counsels both men and women, and his advice is the same to both groups, don’t leave.  I was married to a non-member for a long time and this is one of those things that I had to come to an understanding of on my own. I had to think and pray about it and I came to the conclusion that I wouldn’t leave my husband if he didn’t join the church. I was very young and had no perspective or experience and even though he wasn’t a member when we got married, I thought that maybe I should divorce him once the church became important to me, but not him.

There is also the situation commonly where even though both people are members and committed to the church when they get married, after some time in the marriage, one spouse decides that they don’t want to be members anymore. The degree to which this decision varies from “I don’t feel like wearing my garments anymore” to “I don’t believe in God and I don’t want religion spoken about in my home.” The change can come gradually over several years going from valiant activity to general apathy or it can come swiftly and viciously. No matter what the situation, the pain to the remaining member is the same, but so is Paul’s advice.

Paul reasons “for the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband.” The gospeldoctrine.com website gives considerable explanation saying, “Paul recognizes the struggle of part-member families among the Corinthians. Since there were significant cultural and religious differences between the believers and the unbelievers, his advice must have been a source of comfort and peace for those that wondered if they should leave their spouse for the gospel’s sake.

Rather than condescending to the unbeliever, Paul recognizes the sanctifying power of having a believer in the home. Hence, the husband is sanctified by the wife’s example. He is sanctified by the wife who brings the Spirit into the home. He is sanctified by the wife who raises up his children in light and truth. He is sanctified by the home teaching and missionary visits made possible by his wife’s membership. He is sanctified by the possibility that years of diligence will soften the husband’s heart towards baptism.” 

I think that this goes back to the whole “everyone who lives here on this earth has already accepted the plan of salvation in the pre-mortal world, and we have to trust that when the time comes, they will accept it again.” The article also tells the story of a woman who was married to a non-member who constantly fasted and prayed “that my husband’s heart would be softened.” Even though she didn’t think it would actually happen, “on our 49^thanniversary of marriage we were able to go to the temple once again and have been going ever since.” 

It’s important to mention that we can not go into a relationship, especially marriage, hoping the other person will change, statistically it won’t happen, and that’s not fair to us or them. One thing the woman mentions is that while fasting and praying for her husband to accept the gospel, she learned “that our time is not the Lord’s time.” This begs the question, why is it the Lord’s timing to have people who don’t accept the gospel for a long time? Why isn’t the Lord’s time that everyone accepts the gospel immediately? 

It’s a fair, but incredibly tough question. Satan’s plan was for everyone to accept the gospel immediately, God’s plan was for everyone to decide for themselves. If we accepted the plan before, why can’t we just have the same amount of knowledge as we did then, or even just a little bit more than we do now so that we can accept the gospel earlier and be happier? Why do we have to suffer through learning and deciding, or 99.9% of the whole human population have never even had the chance to accept the gospel, why did that have to happen? This is a tough question, but I guess we just have accept that it does for some reason and move on.

So let’s take the situation where a couple gets married, usually in the temple, and then one of the spouses decides that they don’t believe in the church anymore, what is the believing spouse suppose to do? According to Paul, if they can remain married and committed to each other, then they should stay together. This is where the eternal perspective must be considered. The other spouse absolutely has the right to be hurt but what I found in my own marriage and what I’ve told other people is that you can’t focus on the other person’s acceptance of the gospel.

I found that I had more peace and a better marriage when I accepted the fact that my husband would not accept the gospel in this life, and that I just needed to focus on my own testimony. That took all the pressure off of both of us for him to make a choice he wasn’t ready or willing to make, and it made us both a lot happier. Another woman who was discussed in the article married a non-member and finally after 10 years “of disappointment” she finally realized that she had to “stop putting pressure on Tony to join the Church… so one day I said to Tony, ‘you are more important to me than anything else, regardless of whether you join the Church.’ Since them, we have been happier, and I have felt more peaceful.”

People want to be accepted for who they are, not who you want them to be and if there is all this pressure to conform, it doesn’t matter what the program is, they will push back against the efforts of someone else to make them change, it’s human nature. When you let go of the expectation that someone is going to do something and just live in a way that makes you happy, then they are allowed to actually live their own lives and explore what the opportunity is really about. When someone is being pushed to be someone or do something they are not, then they not only are suspicious of the end result but also of what your motivations are for wanting them to change. By removing your motivations, then the real purpose can shine through.

But the acceptance or rejection of the gospel isn’t always a one stop issue, some people want to stay married, like many of my friends, but in my case, my husband not only rejected the gospel, but didn’t want to stay married to me anymore. Paul recognizes that in some cases, the unbelieving spouse might leave and if that’s the case then, “let him depart.” If he wants to go, let him go, what can you do at that point, really?

But if they want to stay, the “what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save they husband? Or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?” Again we have to consider all of this in the eternal perspective, and remember that while things may seem bleak down here on earth, President Nelson has taught, “in God’s eternal plan, salvation is an individual matter; (but) exaltation is a family matter.”