Marriage - 1 Corinthians 7:1-4

The topic of the role that sex is to play in the lives of church members has so far included fornication, homosexuality, and some adultery, and it appears that sexual questions were a large part of the letter that Paul had received from the Corinthians to which he was responding. Apparently one of the statements made in the incoming letter was “it is good for a man not to touch a woman.” The IM explains, “While sexual immorality was common in ancient Corinth, some people there held the opposite belief- that it was ‘good for a man not to touch a woman,’ and therefore one should refrain from all sexual relations, even in marriage.”

It would make sense in a society that made up it’s rules according to how the leader was feeling at the time to have a litany of movements that swung from one extreme to the other. In the constant quest for self-improvement or even just glimpses of happiness, it would make sense that people would be looking all over from “let’s have sex with everyone” to “let’s have sex with no one.”

The IM continues, “we do not know all of the questions Paul was answering in 1 Corinthians 7:1-5. However, it is evident that some people whom Paul taught thought that celibacy was preferable to marriage. It seems that some also believed that complete abstinence should be practiced even by married people. In response, Paul taught that sexual intimacy in marriage is an important way for husbands and wives to show love and affection. This principle is also taught today in the Church: ‘Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife. Go has commanded that sexual intimacy be reserved for marriage.”

Paul’s specific response to the initial question is interesting because he says, “to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let very woman have her own husband.” There were a couple of points that stood out to me in this answer. First is “to avoid fornication,” this was Paul’s way of recognizing the very human pull towards sex. He’s not demonizing it, saying it’s wrong or anything like that, he’s saying that it’s a powerful and natural desire for all people. He didn’t put it like “if you’re too weak to abstain from sex, then get married,” he said, basically, “people are going to have sex, better that they commit to just one person to do it with than be tempted to sin with many.”

The second part of this statement that I really liked was that he wasn’t just addressing sexual desire in men, but in women too. In a truly misogynistic view, a woman’s desire for a sexual relationship wouldn’t have even been on the radar enough to mention. But Paul recognized that a woman would want to be sexual too, and that it would be a temptation for her. So not only does he recognize a woman’s need for a healthy sexual relationship, but he also cares enough about her spirituality to not want her to commit serious sin. And what else is progressive is that the solution for both men and women is the same, to get married. It wasn’t “men, do what you want and women, let men do what they want” which has been a very prevalent consensus since the dawn of human history.  

Another interesting factor of the rest of Paul’s writings on this subject in this chapter is that everything is “men do this… and women also” or “women do this… and men also.” Everything is for both sexes to do, and some of the wording is very thoughtful. For instance, Paul says, “let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.” The word “benevolence” means goodness that is not required, like voluntary kindness. There is no compulsion in that word, someone is kind because they want to be kind not because they feel obligated to do it or because they are scared of what will happen if they are not “benevolent.”

The word “benevolence” is cross-referenced with the words “family, love within; Marriage, continuing courtship in.” It’s this last one that caught my attention. Marriage is very hard, especially when kids come into the mix, especially if you’re young and still working to get established financially. There are so many crazy things that come up when you’re trying to raise kids and work and all that stuff. Maybe it’s because I’ve been raising my kids alone for so many years that I’ve forgotten that there is supposed to be a relationship between the two adults that is supposed to be the most important part.

Not only because my own marriage ended but also because of the way that I was raised and how I saw my parents’ marriage, I have never had any indication that the relationship between spouses was important at all. The first time I heard a general authority say to the men that their #1 priority is their wife, I was completely blown away, that didn’t make any sense to me because I had never seen it. But as a grown woman, I appreciate that principle, and I even heard it in the most recent general conference when President Nelson said, “I am inspired be each husband who demonstrates that his most important priesthood responsibility is to care for his wife.”

This is a difficult concept for me to really understand, my loyalty has always been to my children, but then again, my husband left us, so I’ve had to protect them from him and life in general for many years. But I guess ideally, you wouldn’t be in a situation where your loyalty to your children would be in conflict with your loyalty to your spouse. I mean, really, both spouses should be just as committed to the health and well being of the children together. There shouldn’t be a time when one parent is pitted against another or the kids are put in the middle. It would seem that the marriage being the first priority shouldn’t be in conflict with your relationship with your children, but should make it better. That’s a break through for me.

It’s not just “benevolence” that is important to a marriage, but Paul says, “the wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband.” This is where the message is terribly flawed if we don’t keep reading. Paul continues, “and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.” It’s this give and take in marriage, treating someone the way you want to be treated, respecting that person as an individual with inherent value, and genuinely wanting them to be happy that makes marriage great.

There is a quote by President Hinckley that I saw the other day that said, “If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any, divorce. Argument would never be heard… Rather, love ad concern would replace abuse and meanness.” There was a mental shift that I experienced at one point when I learned that for a fulfilling and happy marriage, I needed to do everything I could to make my spouse happy. That’s a loaded concept because really, what is “happy,” it can be pretty abstract and can vary from one person to another, but it was the idea that putting an effort into someone else’s quality of life without the expectation of anything in return was pretty revolutionary for me, again because I had never seen it. 

In the IM there is a quote by President Howard W. Hunter who said, “Tenderness and respect- never selfishness- must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the Lord.” Any time that a church leader has come out condemning men who are abusive is such a beautiful moment for me because it makes me feel acknowledged and like I am worth treating kindly.