Charity 2 - 1 Corinthians 13:4

In the next few verses, Paul does a run down of the exact characteristics of charity, and one of the articles that I read noted that these features not only are the ways in which we are supposed to exhibit charity, but also the ways in which the Lord has been merciful to us. I think that I will first go through the attributes and how they apply to us, and then I will go through them again with how the Savior has demonstrated them to us.

Suffereth long – The IM points out, “when we have charity, we patiently endure offense or hardship.” It seems to me that this is more about attitude than anything else. Recently, since I’ve been hurt, I’ve kind of adopted a “don’t make me live a long time” attitude and while it does have to do a little bit with the fact that I’m physically uncomfortable, the attitude has persisted and even gotten worse as I’ve recovered. I might “endure” my situation, but I do so kicking and screaming. I might make it work, but if I’m not completely satisfied with my lot in life, I complain about it, loudly.

I honestly think that negativity and pessimism is my natural state of being and I find it disheartening to see how quickly I can revert back to that when any adversity comes up. How is my attitude uncharitable? Well, by struggling loudly and complaining often, I become a burden to be around. Not only do I keep negativity in my life, but I bring it to all people who come around me. Basically, I definitely do not improve their situation with my presence. We all have problems and if I can focus on making other people around me feel better about their situation by being encouraging or uplifting, then that will not only demonstrate charity towards them and make their life better, but it will also greatly improve my own. There can be no happiness when that much negativity is surrounding you constantly.

And Is Kind – I saw a quote once that basically said, “everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle you know nothing about, so always be kind.” Kindness really is about treating someone like a human being worthy of respect. You can say the same exact words to two separate people, but usually they can tell if you meant what you said or if you didn’t really mean it. It goes back to the motivation and intention of charity, the words we say to people are just as important as the reason why we say it. Communication is so much more than just sounds out of our mouths, it’s the way we say what we do, it’s our body language. Any way that you put it, how you truly feel about someone or something comes out in your communication with them.

I have this problem at work a lot especially when I take call at the ER and get called in at all hours of the night because a junkie there is in “pain.” I am irritated and think that they’re faking and even though I say the same words as I always do, I know that it comes across as aggressive and condescending, because that’s how I feel about that person. And the point is, even if they are faking it and “drug seeking,” it’s really none of my business, and doesn’t help them feel better by me treating them that way. The IM quotes President Henry B. Eyring as teaching, “We do not know the hearts of those who offend us. Nor do we know all the sources of our own anger and hurt. The Apostle Paul was telling us how to love in a world of imperfect people, including ourselves.”

The article from gospeldoctrine.com quotes Chieko N. Okazaki as saying, “When the apostle Paul says, ‘Charity suffereth long, and is kind,’ he’s not just talking about being nice and wearing smiley-face buttons. He’s talking about the core of the disciple’s life. Kindness without love is not kindness at all. It’s patronage, it’s condescension, it’s smugness and superiority. If you have been the receipient of this species of ‘kindness,’ you know that you would much rather do without it. But with love, kindness is refreshment and rejoicing. It strengthens bonds and creates new ones. And it’s a tough, patient virtue, not a frilly, fluffy one… Kindness is not sentimental or weak. It’s tough, strong, and long-lasting.”

Envieth Not – We all know that envy is one of the cardinal sins, and depending on which version of the ten commandments you subscribe to, the restriction can range anywhere from another person’s spouse to any feelings of jealousy. I honestly think that envy or jealousy is a pretty natural human reaction, at least I know that it is for me. But there are many reasons why the green-eyed monster is counter to the law of happiness. Envy can stem from feelings that someone has something that they don’t deserve. I remember vividly one time when I was thinking about something and I though “I don’t deserve that,” and Jesus came to me strongly and said, “what you deserve is up to me, not you. Lots of people deserve things that they don’t have, and lots of people don’t deserve what they’ve got.” This was a liberating moment for me and I’ve really been able to let go of feelings of not having what I think I deserve and all that.

Another moment actually came very recently when I was feeling overwhelmed by my financial responsibilities and I just had a little melt down where I thought, “why can’t I just have money without working as hard as I do like all these other people.” I work very hard, I have 2 jobs, I sell blood, and I support my children on my own. I am very blessed with a good job that most single moms don’t have, and am truly blessed beyond measure, but this last month has been very expensive with the kids needing winter stuff, and all these things. I really did have a pity party and basically said, “why can’t I have nice things? Why can’t I have a rich husband or wealthy parents or a trust fund? Why do I have to struggle so much for everything I have?” Again, Jesus came to the rescue and firmly said, “if I wanted, I could turn every speck of dust in your house into solid gold nuggets. I could set you up for the rest of your life so you’d never have to work again. You have exactly what I want you to have.” This is a lesson that I’ve tried to teach my kids for a long time, they say, “I want an iPad and you have enough money to buy me one if you wanted.” My answer was always, “that’s true, but I don’t want you to have an iPad, it’s not about the money.”

This was another lesson in which the Savior helped me see not only his power, but also how invested he is in my life and my struggles and my success. I still look at someone and think, “must be nice,” but that sentiment is not helpful to anyone. How I treat the person I thought that about comes off in a negative way, like “you don’t deserve what you have,” and no one likes that. And it makes me feel like I’m being left out, and takes the focus off my blessings which doesn’t benefit me at all because I’m not going to automatically get what they have just by thinking that, so really, there is no point and only makes myself and others miserable.

Another aspect of envy that is counter-intuitive to charity is wanting the best for people. We can be jealous of someone’s material possessions, but we can also be jealous of their relationships. When we are angry that someone has a friendship or romantic relationship with someone else, even if we don’t want that person for ourselves, we become completely toxic. I was just talking to my sister about this yesterday. Envy is just like the material jealousy because we believe and act like someone has a relationship that they don’t deserve and that we do. There is actually a whole portion of society who hold these beliefs and it has devolved into sociopathy, where they believe that they have rights to someone else’s body because they deserve it, and this is where is can escalate to. When we come from a place of envy, we not only sabotage our relationships with the people who we are jealous of, we also sabotage any future relationships because of all the negativity that surrounds us. We can’t be in a healthy relationship if we have the tendency to become envious towards other. It’s very much a “grass is greener on the other side” type of feeling. And that is not true, the grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it.  

Vaunteth Not Itself – I had no idea what “vaunt” meant but the article says, “to vaunt is to proudly call attention to our possessions, our accomplishments, our associations, or our righteousness… One of the most serious forms of ‘vaunting’ is the sin of pride.” It seems to be very much a “look at me” type of attitude, which kind of goes back into the modesty topic we were discussing yesterday. Again, there are ways to talk about your accomplishments so that your purpose is fulfilled, but not so much that it’s irritating or done at the expense of others. The article gives examples of whispering to a neighbor during a class, or interpreting someone, or being late for appointments. These are all signs of disrespect, indicators that “I” am more important than the teacher, the speaker, the person I’m conversing with, or the professional who’s advice I sought out. I’m not going to lie, I definitely have a problem with this, I am a master interrupter. The saying, “most people don’t listen, they just wait for their turn to talk,” absolutely applies to me and I honestly need to work on that.

It also gives the example of taking credit for something we didn’t do, noting, “some people blame God when things go badly in their lives and take the credit when things go well, overlooking the fact that their talents, skills, and possessions are gifts from the Lord.” I think that this is very prevalent in our society because we don’t really understand just how different our lives could be if we were born somewhere else. Because Americans are so isolated, it’s easy to get caught up in the comparison game between each other, but we forget that even those of us who struggle financially are still more wealthy than 95% of the rest of the people on the planet. For the most part we have food, water, shelter, and clothing and that’s more than a significant chunk of humanity. We might not think that “ALL” of our talents, skills, and possessions are gifts from God, but that’s because we weren’t born into devastating poverty, and we weren’t born disabled or later became so during our lives. It’s interesting because there’s such a fine line between “everything is great” and “kill me, this is the worst,” and we don’t really understand just how little it would take to push us over to the negative side.

The article notes that the opposite of “vaunting” ourselves up is humility and gives the example of President Spencer W. Kimball who went to a family dinner just after being sustained as President of the Church. On his way in, he noticed a security guard in front of the house so he went and made a plate of food for this guy and took it to him. It would have been so easy, and honestly excusable for him to say, “I’m too busy to do that” or to tell someone else to do it, but he didn’t. He considered his position and decided to spend him limited time and energy making sure that the guy outside had something to eat. None of us are too good or too important to serve someone else, and humility requires us to realize that and also to recognize our dependence on God. It’s like the saying, “but for the grace of God, there go I,” and it’s totally true. None of us got to pick where we were born, and that makes the biggest impact on our lives. Sure we can work hard but the physical ability to work is denied to so many, and I bet 99% of those who can’t would rather be able to work than not. Humility means being grateful and recognizing our good fortune for our circumstances.

Is Not Puffed Up – When I think of someone who is “puffed up” I imagine one of those birds that sticks it’s chest out. A person who is “puffed up” takes up a lot of space, bumps into people minding their own business, gets feathers in other people’s faces. If we consider that birds puff themselves up to appear larger than they actually are and attract a mate or scare off a predator, we can see that it’s just air and there’s not real substance there. I don’t know if anyone else has seen people like this, but it’s a very much a “stop what you’re doing and pay attention to me.” Honestly, it’s because I have been that person many, many, many times. It’s demanding that other people focus on you instead of what they’ve got going on. It’s the opposite of charity because instead of building someone else up, it consumes their time and energy so that they can do whatever you want them to do. It’s like visiting teaching and then only talking about yourself the whole time and about your problems, and I’ve been guilty of this too. 

In summary, what charity doesn’t think:

• “woe is me, my life is so hard”
• “you irritate me,” You’re not worth my time,” “you’re a garbage human being”
• “you don’t deserve what you have,” “I’m only friends with you so I can get something from you”
• “don’t you know who I am?” “I’m too important to be dealing with you”
• “stop what you’re doing and pay attention to me,” “I’m an emotional black hole”

Just to put it out there, but I’ve been guilty of all of these phrases, every single one, and quite recently for almost all of them too. I guess we all have a lot to work on, but at least it’s nice to kind of dissect these characteristics into small, manageable, relatable pieces so that when I think something like this I can stop myself and say, “this attitude is not serving you.” Because ultimately, while charity is about loving other people, it’s really the only way to truly love yourself at the same time.