Husbands Love Your Wives - Ephesians 5:17-33

5:17 - Starting in verse 17, we start into what the IM calls the “household codes,” which are instructions for each household member on how to treat each other. It’s important to note here and it’s not each “family” member but each “household” member because during Paul’s time a household consisted of not just biological family members but servants, slaves, and adoptees also. The IM gives background saying, “Sing the early congregations of the Church met to worship and partake of the sacrament in Church members’ homes, the congregations Paul addressed would have included all members of a typical Greco-Roman household- fathers and husbands, mothers and wives, children, slaves, and masters. In the household setting, the well-being of house-church congregations was inseparable from the well-being of Christian families.” Just because we meet in larger, more spread out congregations now, and just because we don’t usually have a master-servant relationship with most people now doesn’t mean that we can’t use these guidelines profitably for ourselves. It’s also important to note that, as the IM says, “interpersonal relationships are defined in terms of each person’s relationship with Christ. Paul said that wives should submit to their husbands ‘as unto the Lord.’ Husbands are to love their wives ‘as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.’ Children should obey their parents ‘in the Lord.’ Parents are instructed to raise their children ‘in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.’ Slaves should serve their masters ‘as unto Christ’ and ‘as to the Lord.’ Masters are to deal with their servants while remembering their ‘Master also in heaven.’ Paul’s words remind us that our relationship with Christ should guide and define our relationship with all others.” The household code starts out with some personal behavior counsel which is to be “understand what the will of the Lord is.” This is a big deal, and something I have been personally struggling with. Way back when I was still working in California, I worked nights for many years and it was very hard on my family because I was (and still am) a single mom, my kids were very young and they really had a hard time with me being gone to work so much. I remember thinking how badly I wanted a day shift because then I would spend more time with my kids. I believe that it was a righteous desire, but there was a time when someone who had a day shift got into really big trouble and it looked like she was going to get fired. And I remember being so excited because this meant that I could finally get a day shift by taking her shift. When I first heard the news and was so happy, the Spirit very strongly came into my mind asking, “do I care for you so poorly that you have to wish for the downfall of others to have your needs met?” This was a kick in the face for me because what she had done was wrong, and I what I wanted was a righteous desire, so it wasn’t wrong for me to want a day shift, but what was wrong of me was to want it at the expense of someone else. The Spirit continued, “I could create the perfect job for you and write you a check for a million dollars, but I don’t. You have exactly what I want you to have and I will send you something else when the time comes.” I’ve carried that message with me since then and even recently, when I’ve been so burned out working so much because of covid I’ve just been praying and crying like “I’m so tired, I don’t want to work anymore,” and He’s told me, “you have what I want you to have. I can write you a check for $25million, and if I want you to have it, I will give it to you. Until then, you have what I want you to have.” And whenever I’m angry because I work so much and I’m tired, then I just remind myself, “I have what He wants me to have, and when the time comes He’ll give me something else.” And it’s helped me have a better attitude at work, with my house, etc. 5:18-20 - Paul continues, “and be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit.” It’s interesting when people say that there is no basis for the word of wisdom in the Bible, and Paul doesn’t say “don’t drink wine at all,” but not to excess, don’t get drunk, because being drunk pushes out the Holy Ghost, which is an interesting way to think about it. He says to sing “psalms and hymns and spiritual songs” to yourself. I wonder if this relates to the concept that “the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me” and “pray always.” He also advocates “giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.” This goes back to “you have what I want you to have,” meaning that if we acknowledge that our material holdings can increase or decrease suddenly and without us causing it, then we can appreciate how much everything we have is a gift from God. Even those who have tons of money, they were gifted that from God, because they easily could have been born impoverished in a country with zero potential for advancement. We see this all the time in the news and even in our own communities, people doing literally anything to provide for themselves and their families but really just floundering. Is their condition a result of them being stupid? Of course not. Did they cause it? Typically not. Can they get out of it? Typically not. It’s a really interesting and often heartbreaking concept, that’s why gratitude needs to be a big part of our lives, and this is something that I need to work on specifically. 5:21-25 - As far as interpersonal relationships go, Paul says, “submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” This is a hard one for me to understand because I am not a submissive person. And I don’t think that the Lord is advising us to do anything that anyone else tells us to do because then we spend our time and energy obeying the whims of other people instead of the commandments of the Lord. But one thing that I think this phrase might mean is to submit ourselves to others in service. The IM gives another interpretation saying, “Paul taught that all members of the Church should submit themselves to one another, or in other words, place others ahead of themselves.” So it’s not so much of a “do whatever they tell you,” it’s a “service them and place their needs ahead of your own.” I just want to do a shout out here for boundaries, which are very important to having healthy relationships. Paul starts with spousal relationships saying, “Wives, submit yourselves unto you own husbands, as unto the Lord.” Here’s where it starts to get tricky for me but the IM helps me out saying, “Paul’s counsel that wives should submit to their husbands does not justify male dominion.” Indeed, D&C 121:39-44 tells us exactly how priesthood holders are to treat others, and this would apply to their wives as well, “We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion. Hence many are called, but few are chosen. No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile- reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth after-wards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.” These are to be the governing principles of our relationships, especially when it comes to family. I would eventually learn to trust a man if he constantly put my needs above his own. I’m not going to lie, if he did it one time I would probably marry him because I have daddy issues. Another point that this verse makes is that wives are to submit to their husbands, “as unto the Lord.” To me, this implies that there has to be a relationship built on love and trust. I love Jesus because I trust that he will always do what’s best for me, always. This is why I can sooth myself by thinking, “I have what he wants me to have.” This relationship is unique in that I’ve never trusted anyone else to put my needs above their own, and for the most part, that has been the case, but I believe that Jesus will do it. That’s why I’m ok “submitting” to him. But this relationship didn’t happen overnight, it took years and years and years and his patience, so I would imagine that a husband who expects his wife to submit to him in the way Paul describes has spent or is willing to spend as much time as it takes to earn her trust. The inverse has to come with this as well, that the husbands “love your wives, even as Christ also loveth the church, and gave himself for it.” The IM quotes Spencer W. Kimball as teaching, “A woman need have no fear of being imposed upon or of any dictatorial measures or of any improper demands when the husband is self-sacrificing and worthy… Husbands are commanded: ‘… love your wives, even as Christ also loveth the church, and gave himself for it.’ Christ loved the church and its people so much that he voluntarily endured persecution for them, suffered humiliating indignities for them, stoically withstood pain and physical abuse for them, and finally gave his precious life for them. When the husband is ready to treat his household in that manner, not only the wife but all the family will respond to his leadership.” 5:26-33 - There’s an interesting phrase that Paul says next, after telling husbands to love their wives just like Christ loved the church, Paul continues, “that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the world, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.” There’s a couple of thoughts that I have with this verse, the first being that clearly Paul doesn’t mean that the husband is supposed to “cleanse” his wife, because he can’t do that but that by treating his wife this way, he allows himself to be opened up for sanctification and cleansing. Second is that as he builds his wife’s trust in him, he allows her to drop any self-defense mechanisms and allows her to be healed, sanctified, and cleansed by Christ as well. I think that Paul is talking about the man being the one made spotless and wrinkle free because he talks about men loving their wives as they love themselves. There’s a really funny quote from Russell M. Nelson that I couldn’t help but share which says, “You fathers can help with the dishes, care for a crying baby, and change a diaper. And perhaps some Sunday you could get the children ready for Church, and your wife could sit in the car and honk.” I thought that that was hilarious. In the article on this chapter from gospedoctrine.com there’s a quote from Ezra Taft Benson that says, “In latter-day revelation the Lord speaks again of this obligation. He said, ‘Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.’ To my knowledge there is only one other thing is all scripture that we are commanded to love with all our hearts, and that is God Himself. Think what that means! This kind of love can be shown for your wives in so many ways. First and foremost, nothing except God Himself takes propriety over your wife in your life- not work, not recreation, not hobbies. Your wife is your precious, eternal helpmate- your companion.” He continues to go through what each part of that verse means, which is love, fidelity, “being sensitive to her feelings and needs. She wants to be noticed and treasured. She wants to be told that you view her as lovely and attractive and important to you. Love means putting her welfare and self-esteem as a high priority in your life.” There are 11 verses about how husbands and wives should treat each other, and that’s a lot. There are 25 verse in this household code and 11 of them are about how husbands and wives should treat each other. I’ve thought about this a lot, how families will be organized in the next life and ultimately, I think it will come down to couples because all ancestors will have a companion and so will all the children, so what it really comes down to is you and your companion because everyone else will have one too. It’s interesting because we could take this principle and determine that the most important factor to our success is finding the perfect companion. But this isn’t the lesson here, what’s really important is becoming the perfect companion ourselves. I’m a firm believe that soulmates aren’t found, they are made and that the grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it. As we forgo looking for the perfect person and engage in becoming the perfect person, we will purify whatever relationships we have.